You ever felt so low to the point your whole bodies numb? You feel hollow and empty. A constant never ending cycle of sadness sometimes you just can’t explain it.
There’s this voice in your head that constantly tells you, your not important. Your worthless; your feeble and weak. No matter how much you try it’s at it’s most dangerous when your alone. That’s when it really gets you. The worst thing is after a while; you start to believe it. It grows and grows and engulfs every pattern of thought, every process of action.
For a few years its felt as if every fibre of being has been sucked out of me, there’s no energy. No drive, passion or motivation. Just never ending emptiness.
Uni or coaching haven’t been fun for ages now, my approach to everything is one of cold, heartless deject and discontent.
Forgive me for speaking to you like you know how i’m feeling when some of you may not. I’m numb to pain, hurting people, getting hurt feeling hurt.
Unless you have/had a form of anxiety or depression you won’t really get it. Feeling the equivalent of shit on someones shoe, useless, worthless. Pathetic like nobody would miss you if you disappeared, ironically if that was to happen you’d get the very things you needed.
All these tributes on how much of a good person you were, how you were loved. How you mattered how much you’ll be missed, how important you were.
How much everyone cared.
Of course by then it’d be too late. Here’s the part where I may get abuse, some stick. Judgmental comments so on and so forth.
But over the last sixth months i’ve thought about suicide on numerous occasions, took every pill under the sun just to ease the pressure and numb the pain. Smoked away as much of the self inflicted hurt that I could all just so I didn’t have to feel how i’m feeling or even listen to myself think.
To be quite blunt. Some days I go to sleep wishing I don’t wake up the next day. The anxiety makes my chest feel as if it bears the weight of the world and there’s no way I can get the weight off.
| I still feel like this most days but this being the lowest I’ve felt I’m on referral for counselling & CBT Therapy to help my negative thinking. Not taking pills and other stuff has been hard but i’ve found other ways to cope.|
Its not easy dealing with mental health. Everyone that suffers knows this but for your own sake tell yourself it’s worth hanging on cause trust me it is; in the end. You never “get rid” of it you just learn how to live with it and how to control it, & not let it control you.
To my family – as always thank you for being empathetic, understanding & patient. Supportive and my light in darkness.
I don’t mean to single people out but if you take this the wrong way that say’s more about you then it does me
To my amazing sister Nod, thank you for being my rock and shoulder to lean on lately through everything. Opening up to you before anyone was one of the hardest things ever but since doing so i’ve felt slightly better. I love you.
Thing’s get better in the end as for myself i’m taking things day by day there’s a couple bridges I need to rebuild with old faces. I still don’t feel great but it takes time I guess.
My closing message is this – you never know what people are dealing with check on your people and be prepared to really listen, some of the things you hear may hurt but forsake all that because opening up is way harder than it seems. Always remember you ARE loved, You ARE valued & you ARE important.
Love & light to those that need it.