I guess we can all agree we’ve reached that part of the festive period where we are recovering from Christmas/ Boxing day antics & gearing up to be all over the shop come new years eve.
That and there’s ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO AND YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT DAY IT IS!!!! …… sorry got a bit carried away there.
So in my ill bout of excruciatingly painful boredom that makes me want to spin around in circles till i throw up mom’s splendacious christmas dinner I decided to take stock and reflect on the year.
All it’s lessons, and going into the new one what I expect from myself.
I decided to call this section “2017 Taught Me” cause boy did I learn a lot.
2017 Taught Me.
2017 was a rough year man, from start to finish only by god’s grace and some amazing people who are as good as family did I make it through.I lost myself this year, lost my fight; hunger and willingness to push forward. I was tired. Tired of life throwing punch after punch, each one heavier and harder than the last. I literally felt like the life had been sucked out of me and at one stage even contemplated weather life was worth living.I was taught that blood isn’t always thicker than water, and just because you are connected to someone by blood if their hurting you and holding you back then you have every right to cut connections for the sake of your happiness and wellbeing.This year was the year everything around me changed but the year I started to see thing’s for what they are. Every idealism I had of family, love & relationships was destroyed and broken.People I would of risked my life and my freedom for, who I treated with nothing but love and loyalty. People I thought would stick around to see me make something of myself; the ones I wanted to share every inch of my success with and put smiles on their faces & take care of their families. They left, switched on me and it broke my heart because I only ever wanted the best for them. But it’s your loss because my family are gonna reap the rewards. I tried to come back around for so many old faces, asked to meet up but had it thrown back in my face but it’s cool; no hard feelings a part of me still loves and pray’s for all of you. All that taught me is to watch my back and not trust too soon, too quick. That even though some people class themselves as “friend’s” really they don’t want you doing better than them. That’s why I don’t do “friendship’s” because in today’s society there prone to sinking.Love and loyalty don’t mean shit to anyone these days. At least that’s how it felt at the time.This year has been hell for my mother those that know me know, my relationship with my dad has been non existent…. it’s still the same but in the dark cloud that is my parent’s relationship I learnt a valuable lesson on love & relationships.Love is two people taking the best parts of each other as individuals and combining them. Relationship’s work when you communicate, understand and know when to hear; and when to listen.They work when you pay attention, care and make an effort none of which my dad did but then his always been a misogynistic, abusive selfish piece of shit. Relationship’s themselves have been trivialised and fabricated by social media, tv and whatever else. But if there’s one thing I learnt out of the mess that my parent’s relationship is. Keep it honest, stay within your means, appreciation’s a two way thing and the big one….. REMEMBER YOUR BOTH ADULTS! It’s been a difficult year for my mental health this year my anxiety and depression has been the worst it’s ever been; Constantly feeling lonely, no one cares, nobody would miss you. The last option on everyones list; worthless irrelevant and pointless that you even exist.Feeling like a burden. Like you weigh everyone around you down. And then receiving news from your doctors that one side of your brain is dying/ rotting slowly. There was a point where I became suicidal and really thought ending it was the best and only option. It started to effect my moods, relationships with people and every aspect of coaching and uni. The hunger was gone, the passion wasn’t there and life just felt like a drag. But its not over till its over and the turbulence in life never last’s forever. Every time you fall you end up with a few bumps, scars and bruises. Sure your sore for a few seconds or minutes but then the pain passes and you carry on. With that being said i’m attending counselling through university in my 2nd semester hopefully so we’ll see how that goes. As rough a year it’s been there have been some bright spot’s too, no matter how badly it feel’s life’s got you in a headlock ALWAYS COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS!.
My family have been my biggest blessing & highlight of 2017. 5 of the most amazing… genuine, honest kind hearted people ever. We started off as strangers, but now I can’t imagine my life without them.
I pray everyone find’s people that gives them the feeling of true happiness. Because we all deserve it. Like it’s such a mad feeling to explain but the way my heart fills up with love, pride and smiles to see them everyday, create memories and live moments with them. The family I always wanted man…. i’ve really struck gold with these guy’s trust me.
But don’t get it twisted their harsh on me, call me out and never let me get away with any form of slacking I love them for it.
I get to build with my brothers, we run the uni 3rd team together do you know how sick that is! I get to be by their side every step and watch them grow and develop into the visionary coaches I know they’ll be. We get to travel up and down the local area and this experience we’ll all laugh about 20 years from now. And to see them grow and develop puts such a smile on my face it’s the thing’s money can’t buy.
My sister’s man where an earth do I start with these two? Nobody ever said diamond’s couldn’t be a mans best friend too; I know because I have two of the biggest, brightest ones. They’ve both been there right from the very start. My safety, security and drive to be a better person. They’ve had my back from nobody else and helped me see things I needed too, always honest, truthful and just possess hearts of gold. Alongside my mother and sister by blood they deserve the world; and i’m gonna make sure I give it them because their making me a better man. A bond unbreakable and a love undeniable. But please be warned i’ve got body bags waiting if you ever decide to get slick with any of my sisters so test me at your own risk.
I’ve never really been a new year new me type of person but I lost myself in 2017 so this year I just want to find myself again. Not who I used to be be. But the man i’m meant to be.
I’m ready to smash university, counselling and coaching. God willing I can start to be paid for some of the stuff I do. This is a big year for me and I have everything I need to make it work.
It’s ok to leave old faces in the past, efforts a two way thing if you find yourself checking up on people more than they do you then maybe you need to let them go.
Pain never lasts forever, and don’t be scared to fall and fail because once you’ve fallen the only thing you can do is get up. And whenever you do something wrong you find a way of doing it right.
I have the right people around me ones that motivate me, push me & inspire me. I promise for as long as I live and breath I’m going to work so hard so we can all be successful together. I love you and want nothing but the best for you.
2017’s been tough but 2018 i’m putting you all on notice. I’M BACK! I will beat this anxiety and depression, I WILL smash my remaining two years at university. I WILL secure a job in football. Me and my family are gonna shine.
More blessings, More Life.