I’m not really much of a sleeper, and these are the times my minds most active, maybe because it’s quiet, maybe because i’m forced to assess and listen to myself. I don’t know. But what i’m about share i’m doing so in the hope that if there’s somebody out in the universe that needs a little push, this reaches them & gives them the burst of light they need.
Its been a rough few months, ongoing family issues, my mental health literally going haywire and loads of self doubt surrounding coaching & university as a whole.
In life everything happens for a reason. And you get put through certain tests. And right now just feels like one of those periods where i’ve just got to keep my head above water as much as it feels like i’m drowning deeper and deeper.
I’ve noticed it for months, the small signs were there I guess I never expected it this soon, this early.
Constantly zoning out, the forgetfulness, my lack of ability to focus and concentrate. And feeling tired all the time.
At first I thought maybe it’s me, i’m as thick as pig shit, so I took no notice. But then came major sign number one, the loss of balance, lack of hand eye coordination & constantly falling over.
To cut straight to the point my condition has been getting worse for a while and its been confirmed now.
Admittedly it came as a shock now being the open book that I am, rarely do I hide how i’m feeling and if you know me well enough you know when somethings up.
I was contemplating dropping out of uni, giving up coaching and just leaving it all. Cause the thought of me not being able to see the faces of my loved ones was hard to stomach, not being able to tell people how I feel was something I couldn’t fathom. And not being able to bust a shit joke that isn’t even funny, the small things eh.
I let myself slip. Everything I’ve ever wanted. All the hours and time i’d put in to coaching. It kept playing over and over in my head like those old home recordings your mom used to do on her camera.
I was so close to doing it man, but then what have I got to go back to? Being stuck in my room all day and isolated from everything.
Yeah cause that did wonders for me before
I’m not gonna lie, i’m scared everybody says they care, they understand and they’ll be there for you but will they really. Because unless you go through it you never really understand. How every relationship matters that much more, a second cannot be wasted waiting and as each day passes you want to make the most out of the 24 hours you have.
Maybe this was meant to happen, maybe I needed this to get me out of the slump i’ve been in recently.
You’ll be glad to know i’ve decided not to quit uni or coaching cause all this has done is add fuel to my fire. I never start what I don’t intend to finish. I’ve a lot to prove to myself never mind other people.
I have two options roll over and give up or dust off and keep going. Doctors said I was never supposed to survive past birth. They were wrong then. Eventually it will beat me but that’s not yet, cause as hard as this is to accept I can only pour my heart and soul into this till there isn’t an ounce of blood, sweat and tears that I can give.
Then at least if things take a turn for the worst everyone I love will know I fought tooth and nail and bust my ass.
You stand and fight never run and hide, you drop the ball? You better pick that up and start running. After you fall the only thing you can do is get back up.
You hear that? Its the sound of the bell. I guess life wants to spar for another couple of rounds.
It’s never till its over.