Man oh man what a long day, today was going ok to start with.
Attended the BUCS Football Development Conference. was good to be there and soak everything in.
Not in a bad way but towards the end is when it all went a bit pear shaped with me.
The closing event was a very moving, raw & relatable keynote by Jack Rutter who is Captain of the GB cerebral palsy team.
In he came and down he sat with big Dave Garrido from Sky Sports & to be honest I just thought it would all go smoothly.
And then Pew thats when it happened.
Jack’s story is one of great resilience, acceptance & understanding. His trials and tribulations and how he grew as a person in the face of his adversity. This was the first time i’d ever felt or reacted like this, but parts of Jack’s story were too close to home it moved me to the verge of tears.
I’m at a big crossroads with coaching at the minute in terms of where I want to take it, how I fit into it & where I see myself in football.
On one road is this:
Mainstream football and it’s barriers are just too appealing to break. I want a shot just like everyone else & nobody has the right to tell me I can’t or won’t make it. I want to at least try. I am a realist but I know I can do it and it is possible. There are so many ways & innovations; wherby disabled coaches can be a part & intergrated into mainstream football. It’s just going to take a lot of trial and error which i’m willing to do. But there’s always that glaring writing on the wall.
It may not happen.
But the pull of potentially being the one not to fall at the first hurdle to push and keep finding a way to make this work somehow is just too strong & I can’t let go of that.
Then the other road is this:
Disability/powerchair football. More leeway, more opportunities “oh your disabled & in a wheelchair do that instead” used to be how I felt about it all.
But not now, I see the clear vision of how I can impact people like myself and also able bodied people too. I see the person I could be, the very image of what matters to me the most.
Empowering, inspiring & uplifting all with genuine passion & love for what you do. Awards & accolades are great don’t get me wrong. But how people feel and what I can bring out of them means so much more.
And I have a strong chance of doing that within disability football.
In the end it’s all very confusing I was practically in tears during the drive back from the confrence and just didn’t know what to think or feel.
In the palm of my hands are two things I want more than anything just to make it in football mainstream or disability it doesn’t matter. People are waiting for me to fail, people are waiting to see me crash & burn and I can’t and won’t let that happen.
But to gain everything I have to lose something and i’m not sure I want to.