This means so much, the vision… the images. I’ve felt the feeling. Pictured the moment. But what if it never materialises? What if everyone that’s doubted me was right? I don’t quit easily. All the pain and hurt i’ve gone through; if a blessing came from it…. its that my drive and focus was shaped from it all.
But the doubts are getting louder in my head, “you can’t do it”
“your not good enough”
“You won’t make it, your wasting your time”
I love coaching, being a coach and just being involved in football. It’s all i’ve ever wanted. But recently i’ve had a lot of “why do I bother?” Moments.
Nothing comes easy it takes time, patience & perseverance that’s not my problem I don’t mind getting stuck in.
But lately i’ve been hitting brick wall after brick wall. Am i expecting too much, too quick?
Everything boils down to money as I can’t afford the transport costs to venture out in terms of enhancing my coaching experience.
Being a disabled coach all I want to do is show it’s possible no matter what, there are ways around whatever barriers other people with disabilities face, just to empower them & show sports, football is a viavble, credible & realistic career pathway and something that can be achieved.
I’ve imagined the moment a thousand times… getting my first paid job in football, how it’s going to feel. Going home to my mom & my siblings and telling them I did it.
Meeting up with my friends, sat round a big table and thanking them for all the times they were there for me & looked out for me and pushed me to keep going.
That feeling is too strong, i’ve envisioned myself managing in the Premier League. Seeing the headlines… of how i’ve helped and pioneered a real route and something relatable for “Football For All”
But it’s so hard and exhausting to constantly have to fight tooth & nail just to be taken serious.
I pay £30 a week in taxi fare just to coach for an hour I can just about afford that. Turned down coaching opportunities in Birmingham & Wolverhampton because I can’t facilitate the £40-£55 to travel to & from just to coach.
What if that limitation holds me back? and I can’t do what I was destined for. I know I can do it. The most disheartening thing? No-one is willing to fund it, or take a risk to. I understand why. But all i’m asking is faith, faith that me and many other disabled coaches can & will make a diffrence.
Maybe that responsibilities mine… maybe I just need to stick to it.
I dunno man, i’m trying, like really trying. I just hope its worth it.