An Open Letter/ Honest Reflection.

So lately  i’ve been thinking about old friends a lot, maybe cause I miss them. Maybe they need to know despite whenever life has them low they still mean something. Or maybe i’m just trying to fix my mistakes.

I’ve done a lot of emotional clearing out recently, I can’t lie it’s felt good. However I understand where I am in life currently. All this is new to me so bare with me, a lot of it is prayer, self affirmations and trying to reprogramme my brain to not be what it is, to bin the negative thought processes, Black and white; Idealism in terms of  me thinking there’s only one way of seeing or doing things. It’s hard but I need to do it. A big part of all this is friends, and the old me.

To old friends, new ones & the ones no longer with me.
Thank you for being in my life at certain moments, thank you for the conversation, the company and the extended arm or ear when I needed it, thank you for understanding my selflessness, and accepting that it was all just me trying to give to other people what I never had for myself. 

Thank you for understanding at times I wasn’t myself but even after all that you never turned your back, for all the times I flipped out, said things I never meant or was just a total dick. Through all of that you still made me feel like I had friends and that means the most.

The loves always there, it will never leave but it’s the best feeling seeing every single one of you achieve and progress and take life to new height’s everyday, I wish I could’ve been a part of that but somehow I just wasn’t like all of you. Your still in my thoughts daily and with sincerity i’m so happy for all of you.

As life takes us on our paths I find my self around new faces, to those, i’m going through something. I’m not sure what it is but I guess the best way for me to put this is…. 

i’m changing as a person and to be around you while it happens thank you , I may by default come across a certain way but trust me I don’t mean it. My brain just isn’t used to the new me that i’m trying to construct and create. Hopefully you can help me grow. Teach me new things maybe I can finally be a good friend like i’d like to be. 

Finally, to those that watch over me everyday i’m finally at the stage of finding peace with myself and the fact your no longer here in body but in spirit, it’s hard I miss you and the grief is a large part of the reason I lost myself, but then I remember we were all fighters, we all gave to those around us because that’s all we knew. My brothers forever i’m gonna be the one for all of us for our familes, friends. I hope your proud you live in my heart forever, keep the gates open for me up there.

It’s a strange thing to have to go through, but i’m not scared to open up about it. I give all this admiration, love ect ect beacuse I never had it growing up, I never felt like I mattered, or I was important or that anyone cared.

I didn’t want that for anybody else to feel that low so I tried but maybe I tried too hard?

I’m determined to see my therapy through and really putting the time and effort into constructing the person I want to be.

I’m not really sure how to end this so that is how I will end it.


Peace

Shumul




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